Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says:"Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second one says:"Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says:"You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!

A Guy walks into a store. He sees three brains on display. One is a Libertarian Brain, priced at $250. The second is a Democrat Brain, priced at $275. The third is a Republican Brain, priced at $5,000,000. The Guy asks the sales clerk,"Man, why does the Republican brain cost so much more than the other two?" Clerk replies,"Well, sir, that brain has never been used.

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, filling everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Bush and Cheney are at a restaurant for lunch. The waitress comes over and asks what they will be having. Bush says, "I'll have a quickie." The waitress steps back in disgust and says, "Mr. President, I thought that kind of piggish behavior went out with the last administration!" She storms off and Dubya looks confused. Cheney shakes his head at the president and says, "George, it's pronounced QUICHE."

Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other. Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with none. Gore screamed for a revote. The next day bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed for a revote. So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush came back with 293 fish this time and gore got none. Gore goes to the secret service spy and asks whether Bush is cheating. "Yes," replied the spy, "he's putting holes in the ice."

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise. And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?" Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in. When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said. Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know." St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?" Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?" St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

Do you know how we can get Osama bin Laden? Lace a bunch of Watchtower magazines with anthrax and send the Jehovah Witnesses in after him. Those people can find anybody!

Why can't Bill Clinton work at KFC? He can't keep his hands off the breasts and thighs.

Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, “There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in it until I die.” Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash. When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, “Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you.” Hillary said, “Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all.” She was about to leave, but then she said, “Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?” Bill replied, “That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.”

What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver? A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns!

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

George Bush and his accomplice Dick Cheney were riding on an elephant. A group of bystanders were watching intently. All of a sudden someone in the croud shouted, "Hey look that elephant has two assholes on it!" Bush and Cheney looked down at the elephants ass, confused.

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby. They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup. The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it. After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 AM? To make sure she's the First Lady...

What's the difference between greeting the Queen of England and greeting Bill Clinton? You only have to get down on one knee to greet the queen.

How many Arkansas policemen does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, Clinton does all the screwing!

Lincoln and JFK started politics 100 years apart. Lincoln and JFK were elected to office 100 yrs apart. Lincoln and JFKs' vice president's had the last name Johnson. Lincoln and JFK have 7 letters in their last name. Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy and Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln. Here's the BIG ONE: Lincoln, a week before his death, was in Monroe, Maryland. Kennedy, a week before his death, was in Marilyn Monroe!!!!

What do Osama bin Laden and crabs have in common? They both irritate Bush.

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives? Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President. The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."